So, it's been a while, huh? That makes a lot of sense actually, if you consider my first blog post (which was 3 months ago...). Like usual, I was waiting for a full thought to form in my head, so I could put it into words and write a beautiful post, but, like, that doesn't ever happen, does it? Does anyone ever sit down and wait for a thought to be fully formed before they write it down? Usually, my stream of consciousness only takes on a full polished form during the process of writing the unshaped beginning of an idea, so that's what I'm doing right now.   I was reflecting on how much I love my website. It's such a cool project, and I'm glad I decided to actually make it real. You see, I have always had trouble with my art. My favorite creative hobbies are drawing and writing, but I don't do either of those very often, the reason being that I'm extremely insecure with the things I create, and I don't have the energy to actually spend a lot of time learning how to get better at it. I started drawing (and actually trying to learn how to draw) when I was about 11 years old. That was the time when I met so many amazing artists online who were just about my age, and I really wanted to be like them. I started learning and developing that specific anime style most artists have at the beginning of their art journey, albeit a lot more amateurish. I quickly realized it was going to take a long while before I could reach their skill level, so I think that's when my motivations issues first started to hit. No matter how hard I tried, it seemed like I was always stuck in the same place. I didn't have the energy to look up tutorials and art books, to use references, to learn how to color and shade my drawings. I wanted to get good "naturally", because anything other than this would require too much effort. I quickly gave up on my drawing hobby when I felt like I could never learn how to make my art better. I was 12 at the time, and I didn't draw anything for a few months. Of course, deep down I still wanted to draw stuff, so after some time I tried to pick up the pencil again. I remember actually learning a lot of new stuff this time, and I was making art I was genuinely proud of. I was actually making steady progress back then, but, eventually, I just... stopped. I don't even remember what caused this, but I'm pretty sure I got dissatisfied with my art style, and while in the process of trying new things, I got overwhelmed and began hating everything I did. This feeling persisted for a long time. When I was 14, there were times I would just straight up copy other people's drawings, not to show off on social media or anything, but just so I could show it to my friends and feel like I was still an artist, like I could actually do something (Copying people's work is not cool at all folks! I do not want to make excuses for this kind of behavior, and I still regret doing that to this day. Sadly, it was something that actually happened., even if for dumb reasons). Safe to say, my artistic life was just an absolute dumpster fire.   Fast-forward to the present, I'm in a much more comfortable position than I was years ago. I still am not that serious about art; I still can only draw heads and can't render anything, but I'm having fun drawing, and I think that's all that really matters. I finally found my art style, and it has been (very) slowly getting better and better. Actually, I still want to learn how to make better things, but my current skill level doesn't make me feel like trash the way it used to years ago. Also, I picked up the pen and decided to write again. This is something I was naturally pretty good as a child, so this is probably the hobby I have the easiest time with. Back to what I was saying about the website... This project fuses together a bunch of different things, such as coding, writing, and drawing. Considering that the visuals are one of the things I pay the most attention to in the site, I spend a lot of time drawing backgrounds, characters and pixel art, in order to make everything exactly the way I want to. Weirdly enough, this is the first time that I take a look at my visual work and get really proud of it. The art style I chose for it looks wonky, the lines are squiggly, the drawings are not carefully made, they're simple and rough sometimes... but that's just the way I want it to look. I still don't have the skill necessary to make these perfectly drawn and detailed artworks, so I just chose to be free and use my lack of knowledge to make something that would be fun to do and perfectly encapsulate my personality. This takes great inspiration from Toby Fox: he definitely can draw, but he still decides to make most of the art on his games wonky and inconsistent, and that's what makes Undertale and Deltarune so unique, right? I hope my wonky art gives my website that same charm. The information overload, the blinkies, the weird page design, that's what I like about my website, that's what makes it so "me". My website perfectly encapsulates who I am and who I want to be. That is me, completely me, like if my soul was turned into an HTML document and hosted on NeoCities for your convenience. Also, that's a big reason why I'm distancing myself more and more from mainstream social media. Those places will never be able to contain such a true display of myself, that can only be achieved through the freedom the indieweb gives you.
  Also, I know there are still a lot of pages missing from the website! But, as I've said before, I always have zero motivation to do stuff that require effort, but SOMEDAY I will at least finish the art and shrine page. Stay tuned!